My Crush that Crushed My Heart.

       I remember the first time I met her. I remember that she had long, flowing black hair that tumbled down her shoulders. I remember her eyes were as dark as the night sky. I remember her porcelain face, her cherry-red lips, her blue skirt. I remember how her eyes wrinkled when she laughed. All those for someone else.

 

       Have any of you had a first crush when you were a kid? Of course you had. Everyone had. NO one did NOT have a crush on someone when he or she was in elementary school. Let's have an example. Let's say she sat next to you on the new day of school. You're shouting in joy inside your mind. You think about what to say to her, how to say hi. You check your breath, see if your hair's alright, and slowly sit back in your seat. You check yourself in the mirror one last time and go "H-H-Hello!!" Damn. You HAD to stutter at exactly the right moment. You silently swear at yourself. Thankfully, she goes, "Hi! What's your name?" She's as nice as she looks, you think. And then the typical story. You get to know her in the first few weeks,(Hmm ok, she's left-handed. Mm-hmm) achieve her number in the next month(7527, 7527, 75... damn so hard to memorize) start texting her(she uses emojis! So cute) have lunch together(you can have my doughnut)... blah blah. And a few months pass. You finally think you're close to her enough. You prepare a letter for her afterschool. Then a text message: "Sorry! Can't go home with u today :( My BF's taking me out ><" Mindblown. 

     

      That was basically a summary of my first crush when I was 12 years old. Of course, I omitted the stuff that was TOO embarrassing. Anyway, even though about 6 years passed now, I still remember clearly. Especially, I do remember I had a total mental breakdown for that week. (Although I tried to keep a straight face in front of her) I couldn't help but thinking, maybe, if I were faster, I could've taken my chance. Maybe if I were more ambitious, I would have succeeded. Maybe if I weren't a coward, I could be the one dating her. It was the first-ever time that I really liked a girl, and the heartbreak was more severe than I thought it would be. I can't remember how many times I regretted

      If I could go back to the first day of school, I could have introduced myself a little better. I completely regretted myself for an entire week. Out of jealousy, I wanted to know who this guy was. I wanted to know what was so great about him. And I found him eventually. A guy from a different class. And looking at him, I couldn't help but acknowledge the fact that he was better than me. He was tall. I was short. He was handsome. I was not. (Not ugly though, mind you) He was athletic. I was somewhere between acceptable to so-so. He was the winner. I was the loser. Quite a miserable one, too. I stepped back. I gave up. I let them be. I started to stop texting her. And then graduation. I saw her taking pictures with him with their parents. I slowly faded out into the background.

     All those for someone else. Her hair, lips, eyes, smile. None left for me. When I close my eyes, I still remember her. The hair, lips, eyes, and that smile. But as I expand the picture, HE's standing next to her. Tall and handsome, quite a matching pair, those two. The pain, which seemed to go forever, subsided eventually. As time went by, I could remember her without cringing. Now, I can recall with a smile. My first crush, even though she literally crushed my heart, was a beautiful memory. Not happy, but still beautiful.